Finding The Easiest Place To Begin

Plus! TWO chances to hear me speak FOR FREE next week!

Jul 18, 2023

I want to tell you how fucking good it feels to be in my body these days.

I want to tell you how in all my years of trauma work, I honestly didn’t dream that I would ever arrive in a place in which it felt this damn good to just be myself.

I want to tell you about everything that’s happened since I last wrote here on Substack, which was well over two months ago.

I want to tell you how things got very dark, very heavy, and very low for a while there.

I want to tell you how deeply I wanted to let everything go, all of the efforting, all of the trying to get better; how I wanted to clear it all out so I could find out who I was without all the things I was doing that I thought I needed to do in order to be myself.

I want to tell you how scary it was to let it all go—and also, how thrilling.

I want to tell you how these days I am taking the deepest breaths I think I have ever taken.

I want to tell you how I started playing video games, something I never thought was for me, but that I wanted to try because my kids are completely hyperfocused on video games and I want to know wtf they’re talking about, so I got a Nintendo Switch for Mother’s Day and I have been playing it every single day ever since.

I want to tell you about the fact that I don’t think I ever truly learned how to relax until last month.

I want to tell you how becoming obsessed with a management game called Cozy Grove has been the surprising linchpin to help me crawl out of burnout.

I want to tell you about the miracle and magic of the right pharmaceuticals at the right time.

I want to tell you about the books I’ve been reading that have been nourishing me deeply: Quietly Hostile, Hello Beautiful, The Electricity Of Every Living Thing, Demon Copperhead, Rest Is Resistance.

I want to tell you about watching all of Breaking Bad for the first time over the course of three weeks back in June and how it made me feel all the feelings. Mostly feeling very very angry at Walt, and feeling stunned and breathless as I beheld what I believe to be the greatest show ever made.

I want to tell you about the new luggage pieces I just bought and how absolutely perfect they are, how I think I finally found my ideal travel setup, and how I can’t wait to test them out on the road when my family takes its annual trip home to Canada later this month.

I want to tell you about the profound and sustaining Autistic joy I get out of packing the exact right things in the perfect organizational container.

I want to tell you about falling back in love with journaling after not journaling, almost at all, for an uncomfortable stretch there.

I want to tell you how necessary it was to let all the rituals go.

I want to tell you how scary it was to let all the rituals go.

I want to tell you not to fear roaming far away from yourself because sometimes that’s what we need in order to find our way back home to ourselves.

I want to tell you about dancing in the sprinkler in the dark in my backyard, listening to Led Zeppelin, and feeling perfectly like myself.

I want to tell you about the perfect lunch of half toasted ham sandwich with honey mustard, mayo, and fresh basil, Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips, carrots with ranch dip that I’ve been eating almost every single day.

I want to tell you what a fucking relief it is to know what to fucking eat, to be able to eat.

I want to tell you that we are never finished, we will never arrive, there’s no finish line.

I want to tell you that that’s the good news, because it’s not possible to be late.

I want to tell you how lovely it is to sit on my new chaise longue in the backyard in the morning, even if it’s hot and humid and the grass is crispy and the ground is cracked and dry.

I want to tell you to keep going, that it’s worth it, and that you’re doing a good job, really. You really, really are.

I want to tell you how every time we go to our neighborhood pool I fall in love with humanity all over again, including myself.

I want to tell you about all the very cool, mind-blowing things I am finding out about Autism, and they are helping me hold myself with curiosity and compassion, and making me excited for the creative possibilities waiting to be discovered.

I want to tell you all my thoughts about having recently crossed the one-year threshold of being here on Substack.

I want to tell you how long I’ve been thinking about and wanting to write this post.

I want to tell you how impossible writing this post has felt at times.

I want to tell you how much of a fucking relief it is to be writing this post.

I want to tell you that a whole week went by between writing this post and publishing it.

I want to tell you that it’s ok to find the next doable, feasible step. It’s ok to find the easiest way in, the easiest place to begin.

I want to tell you it’s ok to lower your expectations of yourself—in fact, how it might be the kindest thing you can do for yourself.

I want to tell you that your body possesses a genius for ease, for accommodations, and for rest that I deeply, deeply wish you get to meet.

I want to tell you what a good friend to myself I have been.

I want to tell you about everything I am dreaming about, and dreaming about making.

I want to tell you that Mary Oliver was right: you do only really need to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

I want to tell you so many things. And I will. I am.

And now I want to know: what do you want to tell me?

CATCH ME DOING SOME FREE SHIT NEXT WEEK!!

🌈 FREE THING #1: YOUR BODY IS INHERENTLY TRUSTWORTHY

With Omnia Network | Wednesday, July 26th at 5pm Central

Starting July 24th, this free, 4-day livestream event presents 16 speakers — from somatic healers, renegade economists, tarot and human design visionaries, microdosing and cannabis experts, sexual wellness and IFS therapists, grief/trauma and embodiment coaches, and sustainability pioneers – who will share their guidance to create space for you to reimagine what your life can look like.

My talk will be about reclaiming our body’s inherent trustworthiness. In order to survive the oppression and pressures of grind culture, by necessity we’ve had to disconnect ourselves from the inherent wisdom of our body, our feelings, and our needs. (And that goes double for people living in marginalized, disabled, and/or neurodivergent bodies.)

But what if instead of viewing our body as a problem to be managed or fixed, we could learn to reclaim our sensory experience not only as inherently trustworthy, but as our best ally, resource, and information portal for creating lives of connection, creativity, ease, pleasure, and awe?

In this talk, I will share my personal experience of reconnecting to my own authentic embodiment as a late-diagnosed Autistic, and the lessons I am learning from burnout recovery. You’ll learn what obstacles need to be removed in order to recover your own body’s inherent trustworthiness, and how to tap into sensory joy as a way to orient towards your own authentic embodiment.

GET YOUR FREE TICKET HERE! (affiliate link)

🌈 FREE THING #2: POST-TRAUMATIC GROWTH FOR NEURODIVERSE ENTREPRENEURS

With The Neurodiverse Summit | Thursday, July 27th at 1pm Central

A free 4-day event to help you toss out the "rules" and build your online business to work for YOUR unique brain, all designed by neurodiverse entrepreneurs, for neurodiverse entrepreneurs.

From July 24th – July 27th, Claire Paniccia of Conquer Your Content is bringing you presentations from 25 industry experts (all neurodivergent!) who have found ways to make online business work for their unique brains. You’ll hear about everything from alternative approaches to marketing that might work better for your brain, how to protect your energy with strategic scheduling and boundaries, lots of big perspective shifts around big picture strategy, and more.

My presentation will be on self-sabotage (why I don’t believe in it!), survival strategies, and post-traumatic growth for neurodiverse entrepreneurs.